Saturday, November 7, 2009

I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE..

for a moment i thought im enjoying myself and my life that God has given me..

then a call comes from my form teacher and she broke to me the news that i may not get approved by the school and principal to go oversea on 16nov with my family..

my mother complains that i don't spend time with them, is it what i wanted? of course i wanted more time to go out with them! she called me ytd for many times, but becos my phone was not with me and it went out of battery, she complains that i refuse to pick up calls. is it what i wanted that my phone went out of batt? she said that what if a fire broke out at home, how is she gg to contact me and even if a fire broke out at home, i would not know becos i dont put family first. that's what she says.. she said that i always go out, nv put family first? she dont even know im fighting and crying and always weep, trying my best to get the permission from sku to leave for the family trip. it's not just that my sku dont allow, its that i will miss my release of results, a compulsory camp, lectures and maybe even affect my pw handing up of gpf. and if i go oversea with them, and in the event that im suppose to be present in sku to sign my documents for pw, im gone, totally gone for Alevel PW.

my teacher is right now trying to help me too, to get the permission to leave sku too, but she said that i miss so much and the principal will most probably dont allow. so, is it my fault again that i DONT WANT TO JOIN MY FAMILY? first of all, the tickets were book so early, i dont even know when my sku end yet, and the dates chosen are like the most impt days im suppose to be present in singapore and in sku. is that coincidence? i believe its a trial that i have to go thru..

i want to go so badly! so badly wiv my family, becos its the first time our whole family, sisters and parents gg oversea together. seriousli its the first time. i know if i miss it, i will cry my eyes off in singapore for the three days alone at home. and when my sisters are back, they are going to laugh at me and show and tell me all the fun stuff that they did, and laugh that i wasnt there. i know they are going to say "we are glad u didnt went". they always dont wan me to go out with them, and i hate eugenia saying "u r not part of our family la!" and now joy even says that to me when i go out with them. stuff like " the whole family dont like u" . jus becos i dont spend enuff time wiv them? i hate them! and thats y sometimes i rather that i dont go out with them. and my mother even say that to me? she said that " i rather ustay at home, dont come out with us, ltr we argue again" how could she say that? my whole family is crazy! infact i sort of hate them. they dont treat me like one of them. and now im trying my best begging teacher to let me off for holiday with them is it worth it?

i have to get scolded by my pw teacher and i mean SHOUT literally, she dont scold, she shout at me, making me demoralise, she hurt me by saying veri mean stuff like "u r the worst student i have ever seen.." and many more. i have never seen any teacher like her, jus becos she have high expectation for student doesnt mean she can malign me for the worng doings that i did not do. anyway, she is not going to believe me. and when i try to explain to her that i contribute to my grp project, she say im arguing back and push the blame on me. she is a super condemnful. she says that she is gg to drop my grade for this Alevel subject? hu is she, hu is she to condemn and to hurt and to make choices that she think is right when she haven even search for the truth yet? she is a nice teacher by nature but becos she thought i was a "bad" student, she malign and started treating me like one.

my parents dont even know how much depression that i have to go thru in sku. i dont even want to talk to my frens for that period of time when my teacher scream at me.. i jus hide myself and cry and cry, i wish i was dead, i really wish i will cry myself to slp and jus die there. i wish i could have the guts to jump off the buildings and jus end my sorrowful life.

my teacher say i dont balance my sku work well and i nid more time on it. my family say i nid more time to spend with family. my hearts tells me that im not spending enuff time in building up my cg and ministry. whats with all these? with so much to balance? sku work and schedule is taking up almost all my day. and ocasionally after sku i go down for some mtgs with ldrs or some other stuff in church. and by the time i rch home, i am worn out. i dont spend enuff time wiv family, i dont spend enuff time with my sku work?

my best fren said sth hurtful to me. she said "stop gg to church la!" that's out of the qn.

i got to solve this problem. i got to figure a way out soon to get approvement from sku to go oversea to spend time wiv my family asap. the date is nearing. its just next next monday. have so much to do now. my OP is coming..the assessors are coming. my results are releasing soon. all these i got to face. i hope for a miracle to happen now. i do not know what to do that will make the ending a best one. all i know is, i got to fly wiv family, i dont wan to go on being wronged...

Posted at 1:22 PM

Handwriten by Felicia.L

Tuesday, November 3, 2009
once in a blue mooooon post

A conversation between papa and gladys

joy is getting annoyed and angry of papa cus he keep "suaning" and lecturing her of not wasting money on game machines..

and there my father goes..keep lecturing joy all the way home..

gladys: " papa, u know ytd we learn in children church, the message on OMITTING OTHERS BAD PAST? then y u keep reminding joy joy of her wasting her money n keep repeating and repeating the same thing to joy?"

papa: " omitting means u can ONCE IN A WHILE remind the person of her bad points, so now i remind her so she will learn. once in a while remind la LOL" (think he meant it as a joke)

WAH..if ppl around me are like my papa, then i will be so scare to wake up to hear ppl nagging of my past's bad habits and deeds.

Halloween

spent halloween at CNIS hostel. seriousli its my first time realli realli celebrating halloween. well Tizane brought her father's CD on some kinda monk "nian jing" to make the atmosphere more creepy. yea, it gives mi creeps..

xue en dresses realli like a devil, like someone guarding the hell gate, haHAS! rina was great, she wa realli passionate for the ppl. she did all she can, spread fake blood on her body and face!

we had fear factor, ewww.. and the unlucky ones have to eat..yes real insects. fried ones.. we have crickets, large grasshopper, maleworms.. and and not forgetting "shit". the shit is made up of peanut butter spreaded on a diaper.. seriousli look like shit! i "stole" from my grandma house a diaper. my cousin's diaper! hehe.. chou chou..

we had haunted house too, actualli its not as scary but because the school or hostel was realli dark, the atmosphere was made more creepy. its veri dark in the haunted house room. they off the lights but LEFT THE AIRCON ON for the "ghosts". some girls are afraid to step in and participate in the haunted house game..hmm, heard that they see some things in sku before?

all thanks to weiyu, freeman,ryan, sam, joshua and guys for making this haunted house possible.

especially, all thanks to our CGLS xue en, Tizane, Vincent for making this halloween outreach possible. can tell that the ppl realli enjoyed themseleves.

hope to be back for visitation soon and praying for breakthru in our relationship with the ppl there.

thank God for financial blessing.. yea! its a surprise. after Alevel chinese receive sms that i got some money for the last gigs that i played. it was so long ago, almost forgot about it. =] MJ's this is it was ok..not like wad i expected, but pretty authentic. maybe u should watch it. inspires mi sort of.

aand lastly, although i realli dun like PW.. but God =, pls bring mi through this.. its ending!

oh yar.. joy caught some cute soft toys and keychains for me at the machine. sweet? lol..cus she couldnt caught the ones she like, and gave me hers. man, im realli bad at catching them. i CAUGHT NOTHING. maybe the pure and innocent are always simpler and direct..

ok,gotta set new goals now since my year is ending soon.. man, i have so much to tidy up for the year. physically and psychologically.

Thank God! =]

Posted at 1:04 AM

Handwriten by Felicia.L

Friday, September 11, 2009

these days i,i keep feeling an urge within me to step out and do wad i can do to the poor and needy directly. perhaps its becus i watch many documentary and videos lately that make me feel i am so fortunate. im so so so so fortunate.

sometimes i feel if i can save the money instead of eating better food like pepper lunch or buffets, i eat cheaper food, then i can save alot to bless others like my grandparents. i just feel so bad when im enjoying myself most of the time, and yet some other elderly wivout children are suffering from poverty wiv no meals.

this urge is killing me! where can i start to help? where where.. i duno where, dunoe where to start. last time i rmb i sign up CHCSA, the community helpout program for 3 times, and 3 times no reply, no results. so i sign up directly thru Tizane who is in CHCSA in my zone. but no one called me up again. soon after, i joined strikeforce.

does anyone know where can we sign up to help as a grp for the terminally ill, handicapped, elderly..?

there is so many things i wanna do. yet time is limited. i should take out more time to spend wiv my grandparents and leftover to serve the people. i realli realli nid more time.. so much i wanna do!

if i could save more money, i could bless ppl arnd me! im so selfish. i spend my money on drums lesson for $40 per hr, yet my father is earning $50 per hr. although i use my own savings, but its as good as using my father hard earn money per hr jus to pay for my drums lesson. i feel so bad la. i still can go the STOMP performance, im jus so fortunate yet i didnt know. my father say "y not i knock some dustbins for u to see, u pay me $80, rather then go the STOMP" its funny but it got me thinking. i wanna be expose to more, but yet i feel... urgh..an irony within me. i could hav given that $80 to my grandparents! aiya, cant explain. its jus an IRONY within me.

ytd, i woke up late for my extra lessons. i feel like killing myself. my overslp-syndrome is killing me each day. im not productive at all! as i was walkin in toapayoh central ready to take mrt to sku, i saw 2 blind woman asking for directions. so i guided them to OLD CHANG KEE where they buy their food and brought them to the taxi stand. had a conversation wiv them on the way. actually these handicapped people are realli normal people. but some ppl shoo them away. they work as telemarketers. thank God for phones. if not they wouldnt hav a job.

sometimes i feel that people should slow down and listen to the beautiful melodies that the handicapped make on the streets. THEY ARE NOT BEGGERS PLEASE. they are businessman infact, every tune they make, they wan u to appreciate, and u pay for their music. its not realli begging. tissue sellers oso. many elderly sell tissue on the streets. but not many people stop and buy. y not buy and cheer up their day? i keep imaginging nxt time wad if i old alrdy then i stay on streets and sell tissue. if someone buy from me tissue, i will definitely feel happy cus after standing for so long, finally a profit or appreciation. many steet musicians especially those handicapped or elderly..they're realli talented man! compared to them, i hav no disabilities but yet i cant produce as good as them. woah!

I HOPE THE WORLD APPRECIATE THE POOR, ELDERLY, NEEDY MORE. AND STOP THEIR QUICK FOOTSTEPS AND APPRECIATE PPL AROUND THEM.

k, i love you papa, mommy, ah mei, xi er, joyjoy, ah gong , ah ma! i realise now when i say "i love you" to my grandparents, it doesnt seem so hard anymore. not that they dun understand, they understand k. haHA..

enuff enuff...LETS WALK THE TALK.

Posted at 11:34 PM

Handwriten by Felicia.L

i feel like vomitting now.. so full.. all that dao huay..

sat: after service at expo, went with elene and xuan wei to rochor dao huay..

sun: after MTT, went to rochor to eat dao huay and fellowship

tues: after sudo practice at studio, went wiv meiqi,collin,nic to rochor dao huay..

wed: after studying, went to take away some dao huay for my parents and grandparents at rochor..

thurs(today): after gg to guoyang hse to jam, went wiv elene,guankiat,xuanwei,david and michael to rochor dao huay..

im veri full now.. i hav mixed up beans,flour,cream and tou fu.. they all looks the same to mi now.. all WHITE!

but wad matter the most is those fellowships that gets us stronger and get going...

ELENE, GLAD THAT U R ALWAYS ENCOURAGING ME! LETS UPGRADE OURSELVES ON OUR DRUMMING SKILLS =]

XUE TING, I MISS YOU! PLS STUDY HARD AND SCORE WELL FOR UR A LEVEL! =]

EUGENIA, THX U FOR MAKING ME REALISE IM A GOOD SISTER, CUS I SACRIFICE MY SLEEP TO TEACH U CHINESE AND ABIT OF ENGLISH.. HAHA =X

TERRENCE, THX FOR STUDYING WIV ME MAN! PLS MONITOR ME HAHA =P

XUAN WEI, THX FOR ENCOURAGING ME IN MY PW! =]

YING YING, I KNOW IM UR ANGEL ON 090909. U R MY ANGEL TOO LOLS!

VERENA AND GUANKEAT, THX FOR TEACHING ME..YOU KNOW WAD, HAHA =D

DAO HUAY, THX FOR QUENCHING MY THIRST.

GOD, THX FOR ALL MY FAMILY AND FRENS. =D

AMEN.
HAHA

PS. i hate myself for waking up late every morn n having less time to study.. I'LL CHANGE.. YES i will. and practice, PRACTICE,PRACTICE!

Posted at 1:22 AM

Handwriten by Felicia.L

Saturday, September 5, 2009

wow my 1 week mc dream came true! aiya..but its still a study break..SEPT 1 WK BREAK!

gonna cherish my time left..regretted for sleeping and sleeping and sleeping!

i have a crave for many food lately..icecream..whipcream...gummies.. nah thats just the appetizer. i wanna go sakura sushi again! to eat and eat and eat away all my troubles and stress of sku work.. hehe!

suddenly rmb some funni incidents in sku. shu rou hav this function in her phone that can slow down movements in videos.. super funni. we took lots of videos.. yeah LOTS! starring felicia and shu rou. we plan to jump like crazi so that when we see the video, we look like "flying and floating". then duno hu forget to press the slow motion button -_-" the video came out is ordinary one and we look so stupid jumping and laughing at the same time..spinning and swaying out pony tails.. haha! ya la super funni our actions..

just 2 days ago, yeah as usual the girl chat in canteen. all that dirty jokes make mi cant stop laughing! ya la, then i took a break and leave "the table of jokes", for another table.. as i was walking, i overheard some more jokes and felt so silly bursting into laughter while walking! so silly...then rachel told me that it happen to her when she saw a guy's actions veri funni and she started laughing while she was walking to sku alone.. all these solo-bursting-into-laugher-syndrome is spreading!

Posted at 1:25 AM

Handwriten by Felicia.L

Sunday, August 16, 2009
I KNOW MY GOD, HE'S GONNA BRING MI THRU

for the past few weeks i thought alot about my commitments in my life that i have to cut down becus of my studies. realise that in JC last min chiongin dun works like in sec sku.. my mid yr failed badly n teacher even called my mother..retaining has never occured to my mind n yet it became sth that i m facing to overcome! i hav alot to study.. yes. ALOT! n im not stress out becus i hav alot to studies..im stress out that i dun have enuff time n have veri bad time management that cause mi to lack behind in studies.

my bad time management results in me gg home late EVERYDAY! weekdays i rch home veri late like 9pm-11pm plus..its ok if its holiday bt there's sku tmr, lots to do.. the "best" thing of all is that when i rch home late, there r still some hmwk to be done. so it affected my slp..every weekday i slept at 1am plus n wake up at 5.30am to go to sku..4 hrs per day i thought its enuf, bt my body fails mi..

the scary thing is that every single day i go to sku, for every lecture and tutorial i will force myself to stay awake cus i always feel my head heavy n almost doze off. n sometimes my mind drift away so fast after i thought i m concentrating in lesson finally. i cant control my self frm stoning, dozing! i tired gg to the toilet to wash up, sugar intake bt it jus doesnt work. EVERY HOUR AT LEAST 5 TIMES OF DOZING OFF. if this goes on, i miss alot of lessons.. feels like a living hell to force myself to open my eyes.

my body almost broke down yesterday when i was studying...i cant help myself bt to lie on the table.. alternate days i will get headache for hours.. i prayed, ask for advice bt here i am, back to square one, some commitments jus couldnt let go.. bt i nid alot of time to study.. i alrdy stop temporarily from gg to ldrs mtg n my cca. bt time is still not enuff and my mind cnt work.

my mom is very worried abt mi cus i complain of headaches n she see that i dun slp much.. oh no, a bad testimony now! to skumates n family..

today mom complain again cus i slept so little yet wake up earli morn in 5.30plus to go for my safra bay run.. so little slp no strength still run, thats wad she says. aniwae completed my 10km feeling physically tired..

im so physically tired, feels like getting sick to get 7days mc just to REST!

but God is good, He wont let mi fall sick. H shall watch over me,for when i m weak, then i am strong! I KNOW MY GOD, HE'S GONNA BRING MI THRU THIS TOUGH TIME! pray that my body regains strength.

Posted at 8:47 PM

Handwriten by Felicia.L

Sunday, July 5, 2009
a dream dat opens my mind

wow!

had a headache b4 the day of exam on sat..so i slept b4 i studied.. and had a dream...

in my dream, was in a cellgroup mtg! xue en, my leader was leading the game! the surrounding were quite diff, its outdoor, sth like a park with a cave. well, as xue en explain the rules, he said the PR cnt play this outdoor game. there was a girl in my cellgrp in my dream was crying becos she's PR, she cant play the game.. well, i find it ridiculous that PR cnt play, so i sort of beg wiv my cgl to let her in the game.. hmm bt the answer is still no, so she keep crying. i went over to hug her, to comfort her. but she rejected my hug! there was another girl too, this girl B was crying although she can play. she cried becos she got emotionalised when she saw girlA cried. i didnt hug her to show her my comfort..instead i patted her shoulders to show my care.

for some reason, when Xue En is explaining the rule of the game, i missed out the objective of the game somehow.. maybe i was comforting the girls or i went to the loo so i missed the objectives n instructions lols!

so we went in the cave to start the game. somehow, girl A was in the end allowed in the game. i got lost in the game becus i did not know the objective of the game. no one told mi when i ask them abt it. well, in the cave there were alot of distractions, alot of game machines, just like in an arcade. i got distracted and soon started playing wiv the others the game machines..

somehow, when i click for the instruction of the game in the game machine, the objective of the cellgrp game came out. it is to LOOK FOR AT LEAST 5/7 JESUS IN THE CAVE. as in Jesus will disguise as other ppl.. wow, so i was back in the game since i know my objective! Jesus is easy to spot, becos he is always the one hu is serving and veri humble. i spotted one of him as a waiter serving us in the cave. yea! b4 i can cont'd findanother jesus, i woke up frm my dream!

it made mi thought alot. i prayed to God to show mi wad exactly is he wanting mi to get frm the dream that linked to my 3dimensional realm life..

life on earth is like a "GAME". God created us. like wad pastor said in srv, earth is jus a passby route b4 we get to heaven. we're jus passing thru earth, the world, the trials n tribulations before we cn finally be tested faithful to get to heaven our promised land. its just like the game i played in my cgm in my dream. the girl A in my dream hu is PR is just like a fren arnd us whom we never tried to share the gospel with them. the cave is just like a church. the PR girl do not hav a chance to step into church at first becos she is not being preached to, abt the gospel. that's y she is labelLed 'PR", somehow like "non-believer". she canot participate in the game to search for Jesus. She do not know wads her life greatest aim, that is to follow the blesser.

she cried becus she found no aim. sometimes our frens arnd us r fragile on the inside n hard on the outside. they may be lonely even when we cnt see it. sometimes our fren reject us when we shared our my testimony n the gospel, just like how girl A reject my hug. but lets not be weary in doing good, ( galation 6:9). in due time we will reap a harvest. Girl A will eventually sees God's heart n get touched by God n somehow will get in the game n all her generational curse and labels shall be broken. its just like girl A is no longer not allowed in the cave to play the game. her chains are gone, she has been set free from being labelled "PR". in the end, girl A get to partcipate in the game to look n follow Jesus too.

the girl B hu cry becus she got emotionalised by girl A's weeping, is just like a member in our cellgrp. sometime we neglected them n we think that new frens r more impt so we gave out hugs to new frens n gave only pats on the shoulder to our members. our members need our care n support too, to grow as a cellgrp and to strengthen our r/s.

in my dream, i missed the instruction of the game at first. this is just like us feeling lost in the world. we are distracted of the worldy pleasures therefore we got lost in our life.

we forgot our great commision. we forgot to "make disciples of all nations" and reach out. (matthew 28:19-20) . But God is good all the time. he will direct us back onto our path (proverbs 3:5-6) again n send the holyspirit to remind us of our great commision in life. it is just like how suddenly the game machine made the instructions of the cave game appeared (to look for 5/7 at least, of jesus). the great commision is just like the rule of the game. in the midst of out distractions, God gave us back our directions thru the holyspirt prompting. the game machine is just like the HS.

Jesus in the game of my dream is dressed as a waiter, serving humbly. this is just like how he served the 12 disciples in the last supper by washing their feet (matt 26:17-30).

this is just like how he dies on the cross for us to redeem out life. we find that when we get back our instruction of the cave game, it is easier to get the game gg. it seems easier to look for Jesus. it is easy for us to look for Jesus in our quiet time. but once we fall off track, forgot the objective of the game, we find that it is more difficult to look for Jesus n to follow the blesser in our life.

this revelation thought me to

1) look out for new frens ( comfort n spread the gospel to girl A hu is the PR )
2) look out for our own cellgrp members ( giv a hug when girl B need it )
3) follow Jesus, out first love. do not be tempted to be distracted. follow the blesser of our life rather than the blessings. GENISIS chapter 32-33; Jacob's story ( do not be tempted by the game machines )

like wad pastor said, we r just gg thru the world, the earth before we get to heaven. it is not for us to stay here for long. we are not of the world, but we can be for the world, to spread the gospel to the lost lambs.

"live your lives in a way that God would consider worthy, for He called you to share in his Kingdom and glory" - 1 thessalonians 2:12. frens, lets live a life worthy of God's calling! =]

*cellgroup photo*

Posted at 10:33 PM

Handwriten by Felicia.L